The Journey

Today Is the Only Day

2010-03-24T13:04:00.001-07:00

I've always disliked the saying "today is the first day of the rest of your life". It somehow implies to me that you're supposed to wake up one morning and start out on a life that is transformed from the life you had before - all achievement, prosperity and joy. It also implies to me that you have to have big objectives in mind.

To me, that's not what living a good life is about. The way I think about it, today is the only one of today you get, and what life is about is living right here, now. That to me doesn't mean cramming life with things, or activities; it's about experiencing life, with all its goods and bads, right now. I find when I think like this that I complain less - about what I have to do, or about the weather, or about not having reached some goal. The thing is to life this day as completely as I can and not let it get away - I need to be present for it and not miss it. This is the only sunset you'll see that is just like this; the only time the clouds will look exactly this way; the only time the snowflakes will be just this shape or the shadows fall just this way; and the interactions with the people in your life will only be today's. It's sort of magical and scary to me at the same time.

This of course does not mean that I don't think I should plan for the future or try to make changes; it just means that I feel that paying attention to today is fundamentally important.

Letting Go of Resentments

2010-03-22T12:02:00.001-07:00

I think many people struggle with letting go of old resentments, or old grievances, often those from long ago or with people with whom we no longer have much if any dealings, either due to death, distance or time. I think clinging to those old things can be a cause of an inability to move forwards in life - too much time and effort is spent reviewing old problems, partly out of a sense of having been betrayed or mistreated, and in some cases partly out of a sense of guilt for not having prevented or avoided the things that precipitated the problems.

I wonder if there could be a ritual for this? It would involve writing a letter to the person or persons involved - a deceased parent, a sibling, a former spouse, girlfriend/boyfriend or friend, former work colleague, or whoever the person is that we need to address. The letter would be what we would say to them if we could, and if we were sure that they would listen. Then the letter would be put aside until the time was right, and then would be ceremonially burned. I haven't tried this exercise, but may - it seems to me to have the promise of helping purge old unfinished business that by its nature can never be finished any other way.

A Daily Walk

2010-03-10T12:31:00.000-08:00

One practice I have taken up, and try to do every day, is to take a long walk either just before or just after lunch - usually about two and one-half miles, at least, but if I'm short of time I'll take a shorter walk. I find the rhythm of it very relaxing and invigorating at the same time. For at least part of the time, I practice some of the meditation techniques I'm trying to learn - body scanning and awareness, breathing into and then out of particular parts of the body, especially those which are tense, just focussing on the breathing, and also just allowing myself to be simply aware of what is passing in front of my eyes. I find this practice is very important to me - I am strongly compelled to do it every day - I think it's the combination of the physical and meditative activity that is attractive.

On a Whim

2010-03-07T12:16:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, when we want to make a major life change - say in career, lifestyle, health or eating habits - we find that those around us, including and often especially those we are closest to who have know us for years - will pooh-pooh our intentions and needs as "a whim". This can be true even if the change we are trying to make is for our health and welfare. People who have known us for a long time can be inconvenienced, often a lot, by our changes. They also can oddly enough be heavily invested in us staying the "old us" rather than turning into someone else who they may find unfamiliar or even somewhat frightening. Our changes can also seem like commentary on their own lifestyles or habits. This can make change even harder than it already is, but that just comes with the territory. It's important, I think, to try to be as compassionate towards others who are affected by our changes, while still doing what is necessary for our emotional or physical health and well-being.

Bird Song

2010-03-06T08:30:00.000-08:00

We are at the fulcrum between winter and spring - the light is stronger, and although there is still snow on the ground, the birds, those that were gone for the winter, are beginning to come back. This morning as I was walking, there was a small bird - I don't know what kind - singing in a tree. Its song was bubbling, carefree and beautiful, and suddenly I felt a moment of intense joy and peace.

On the Conditions for a Good Life

2010-01-29T03:15:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking about what goes into a healthy, contented life - note that I don't say a happy life, since I think things happen that sometimes make us unhappy, but that this doesn't mean that our life can't be one of contentment overall.

For me, there are a number of things that go into this - I think each person may have their own mix of what is needed. First, I need to treat my body well. This means that I need to eat foods that my body is designed to eat - a very wide variety of fruits and vegetables, some protein - but not too much - beans, legumes, whole grains and some dairy and eggs, and some traditional fermented foods - yoghurt, tempeh, miso, and some beer or wine. I try to avoid all manufactured, processed or artificial ingredients - if the food comes in a package I want the bare minimum of ingredients and they need to be real foods, not lists of chemicals or foodstuffs, however "natural", that come from a factory - the mysterious "natural flavorings" or any of the corn derivatives (like high fructose corn syrup) are cases in point.

And part of treating my body well is keeping moving - we were not designed to sit still. Keeping moving for me also isn't about going to the gym and working out - to my mind that's a little bit like substituting one artificial environment for another - I much prefer to be engaged in tasks that involve exercise, and that involve being outdoors. I'm a big fan of walking - almost anyone can do it, and it costs nothing. I think participating in the rhythm of the seasons, and the changes of light and weather, is one of the things that gives life meaning.

I try to have a life that has a rhythm to it - with regular mealtimes, a regular bedtime and I'm almost fanatical about getting enough sleep. I'm careful about caffeine and sugar in all its forms - both of which in excess can disrupt these natural rhythms. I think as regular eating and sleeping get out of balance, everything else does, particularly mentally.

Staying focussed is really important to me - being jumpy and distracted does nothing to lead to a contented life. I try to do one thing, and only one thing, at a time - I think multitasking is a myth - it's just doing a series of activities which intrude on one another and where a lot of energy is lost in the transition from one activity to another. As I'm engaged in an activity, I keep something to note down other thoughts that may arise - they don't escape but I don't have to follow them right now.

I want to be intellectually engaged with my world - to have interesting and challenging things to think about. I try to avoid things, like mindless activities and habits, that lead to mental apathy. I want to engage with new experiences and learn new things, but don't want to just chase sensation.

I think for most people having time with other people to enjoy their company and connect with something outside yourself is important too. In winter it's easy to get away from that and nest with family, and that's OK too for a time.

When dealing with feelings and emotions, I'm working on accepting what I feel, positive or negative - I think it's important not to try to drown out or ignore feelings. But I also think it's important to see them for what they are - momentary things that can be observed and then let go. This is an area of my life that's very much a work in process, and I expect it always will be. If we let our emotions and feelings become "us", they we're blown around by the winds of whatever we're experiencing at the moment. We have to remember that there's a core that is "us" that isn't this momentary experience or feeling - sometimes this is very hard to remember.

On Reading

2010-01-26T03:09:00.000-08:00

Some further thoughts on how I'm rethinking my reading, which has been a big part of my life since childhood, are contained in this post and this other post. Reading has always been a big pleasure for me, but recently it has been turning into an area of "stuckness", where I was feeling frustrated with what and how I've been reading. So I'm making some changes, starting with what and how I read.

Changing Habits

2010-01-23T03:43:00.001-08:00

I've been thinking lately about how one changes a habit that one doesn't like. Both Temple Grandin's book about animals - Animals Make Us Human - and Julie Morgenstern's book about reorienting one's life - SHED Your Stuff, Change Your Life - make the point that habits and patterns of behavior aren't pointless - they serve emotional needs. This means that the first step in changing, or eliminating, a habit, is to understand what it's about.

Habits are preset routines we, and animals, have learned to follow in response to specific stimuli. So first it's important to look at the habit - what happens, in what sequence, and what is the trigger for the habitual behavior to commence. Habits are almost like software subroutines - once initiated by the stimulus, they just run along until the sequence is complete, although some can involve repetitions of the behavior - loops in the subroutine. Julie Morgenstern points out that in order to understand what triggers the habit, and what emotional need it serves, it's often useful to think about when the habit started. A habit developed for a reason. In order to look at habits this way, and analyze them, it's necessary to be non-judgmental and non-emotional about it - with animals and people - and not to get angry (at the animal or oneself). In fact, if the habit subroutine is initiated by the stimulus of anxiety (or any other type of fear-based stimulus, which is very common in prey animals), then being angry at the animal or yourself may trigger the anxiety stimulus and just reinforce the habit, making it harder to change.

Once you have an idea of what the stimulus is, and what emotional need the habit serves, then you can go about changing it. Change can involve either removing the stimulus (or oneself from the stimulus, as alcoholics and drug addicts try to do while in recovery), or substituting a new behavior in response to the stimulus to replace the habit. New behaviors can range from mental techniques to deal with the stimulus (such as meditation techniques designed to allow one to feel the stimulus without reacting emotionally), to finding new and more useful patterns of behavior to replace the old habit. For example, with my horse Dawn, who tends to react to a novel object with fear and flight, I am working to replace those behaviors with curiosity which is positively rewarded. Examples in people would include things like eating in response to certain emotional stimuli, or drinking alcohol in response to either social anxiety or a desire to be with peers.

Changing a habit takes time - it may take a substantial period of time, even months, to establish a new behavior - a new habit - in place of the one one, and patience is required on the way. I have certain habits I'm trying to modify, and these things take time, but I find that understanding the habit and how it works makes the process easier.

A Small Adventure - An Afternoon With Caravaggio

2010-01-23T03:40:00.000-08:00

Every week, I try to take a small trip, usually to Chicago, to see something interesting. Yesterday afternoon I went to Chicago, to the Art Institute, to see Caravaggio's painting The Supper at Emmaus (1601), which is visiting for only a few more days before it returns to London. (If you ever visit Chicago, the Art Institute is well worth a visit - it's a world-class museum.) Caravaggio is an interesting figure - he lived at almost exactly the same time as Shakespeare, and Galileo, Monteverdi and Rubens were all born at around the same time. The Counter-Reformation was in full swing, and most painting and art of the time was elaborate, ornate and to a modern eye (at least mine), highly artificial. Caravaggio was a thunderclap - and was regarded as such by his contemporaries - he painted from live models, even when doing mythical or religious scenes, which was unheard of at the time, he painted directly on the canvas instead of doing preliminary drawings and studies and he favored a hyper-realistic, almost what we would call cinematic, style. Here is a complete catalog of his works. His use of light and contrast had an influence on subsequent art, including that of Rembrandt. He lived only to the age of 39. Very little of his work is in museums in the United States - I believe there are works in collections in Fort Worth, Hartford, Princeton, Cleveland, New York, Kansas City and Detroit - most are in Italy with a sprinkling in Europe.

So I went and saw. The painting, which was done in 1601, is sizable, 55 x 77 inches (141 x 196 cm.), and is very powerful. Here it is - it doesn't feel the same in this small format:

Here is the last part of the narrative from Luke (the whole episode is at Luke 24:13-35) - the disciples don't recognize Jesus:

As they came near the village to which they were going, he walked ahead as if he were going on. But they urged him strongly, saying: "Stay with us, because it is almost evening and the day is now nearly over." So he went in to stay with them. When he was at the table with them, he took bread, blessed and broke it, and gave it to them. Then their eyes were opened, and they recognized him; and he vanished from their sight. (Luke 24:28-31, RSV)

The painting is of that moment when everything shifts. The man standing to the left is said to be an innkeeper, perhaps identifiable by his cap, and the two others are unidentified disciples - I'm suspecting that the figure on the right is St. James because of the seashell, which was one of his attributes in the Middle Ages.

I've been working on paying attention to things, noticing them and not just letting my vision slide over them. I used to draw a good bit, and it's a skill I'd like to redevelop. So I decided to sketch a bit. I had two things as objectives - to see and understand something about the composition of the painting - how the objects were arranged and what the figures were doing in relation to one another, and to pay attention to the lights and darks, which are very dramatic in Caravaggio. So I started by orienting the people and contours, and then noted the areas of extreme dark and light. This is what I ended up with - it isn't a conventional drawing but helped me see the painting more clearly:

Now, there is one very interesting thing about this painting - the Jesus in it is not the conventional Jesus of the time - he is beardless, younger and very unlined, and almost remote. The painting that Caravaggio did in 1606 of the same scene has a Jesus who is older, worn, and bearded - a more conventional but still very powerful Jesus. Here it is (this painting is in Milan):

I find the differences between the two paintings very interesting. Caravaggio is an artist that I knew very little about, so my small adventure was well worth it.

The Journey

2010-01-22T06:30:00.000-08:00

I thought I'd start out this blog by taking a couple of posts from my blog A Year With Horses and recasting them a bit, in order to explain where I think this blog, The Journey, will be going. I've been mulling over the things I'm going to talk about for a number of years, but for some reason they seem to have recently really snapped into focus - I think it's a combination of things: my age, my children leaving the nest, and a couple of lucky coincidences in terms of people, including bloggers, and books I have encountered.

If you've already been reading A Year With Horses through January, you can probably skip or skim the indented bits here, which are from two posts I've done this month. The parts that aren't indented are new to this post.

There's an interesting sequence here - it's sort of backwards. Sometimes I'll be mulling things over - I have some idea of where I'm going but things aren't in focus - and then suddenly I'll encounter a person or book that causes things to just suddenly become clearer. First, here is modified version of part of the post I did shortly after New Year's - New Year's was just the occasion to write down these things that I'd been thinking about for some time:

Many people have been posting New Year's resolutions, or New Year's goals and plans, many of which are really thoughtful. My New Year's items are more in the nature of attitudes, or ways to be, than things to do or accomplish. It's also hard to break them down into separate items, because, as you'll see, they're related in lots of ways.

1. Live life thoughtfully, but don't try to control everything. I don't want to be mindless about how I live my live, including how I work with my horses, what I eat or what I buy - just doing what others do without thinking about it or because someone (an authority, a politician, a pundit or a marketer) tells me I should. Choices matter, sometimes a lot. But I can't control the choices others make, although perhaps sometimes I can have an influence on others through my actions.

2. Engage, but let go when needed, and remember than no one else determines my reactions or emotions. I need to connect, to engage, to be with the people and animals in my life, but I always need to remember that how I react to the behavior of others is within my power, not theirs. That said, to do this will require me to let go of any clinging to anger or resentment about the behavior of others or "bad stories" I may tell myself about certain people and my history with them. I find these "stories" can often be impediments to seeing situations as they are and making necessary changes. This isn't an excuse for me to allow others to take advantage of or mistreat me - it's also important to make choices about who to associate with and what behaviors in others are acceptable and it is OK to speak up.

3. Spend more time listening and less time talking or reacting, and remember that others' stories are their own. I need to remember to listen, really listen, to a person or animal, without interrupting or prejudging - this requires that I actually pay close attention. This listening needs to be done without thinking ahead to what my response might be, either in words or emotions, I just need to listen. And while I'm listening, I need to be open to finding out where the other person (or animal) is coming from - what motivates them, where are they coming from and what are they trying to achieve - what is their story? This doesn't mean that I can't ultimately disagree with someone, or have a different opinion, but I should make an effort to understand their perspective first.

4. Take joy and comfort in routine and familiar things, but don't get into a rut and be sure to have an adventure now and then. I need to work on achieving a balance between the joy of the familiar and being able to risk new things - both in terms of activities, people and places. I'm pretty risk-adverse by disposition, and sometimes I need to push myself to try new things or spend time with different people.

5. Keep learning. This one is sometimes easy for me - I love learning new things - but sometimes hard, particularly if learning the new things involves laying aside my own ways of thinking to listen to ideas others may have. In a mysterious way, sometimes people or animals are in my life at a particular time for a reason - even if they are difficult or disagreeable, there may very well be something important I can learn from dealing with them (and dealing with my own reactions to them).

6. Take time - don't be in a hurry. I need to understand in the deepest way that hurrying, or feeling pressured, never results in things getting done more quickly - often just the opposite. If I have too much to do, or a short time to do something, it's much better to be calm and focussed than rushed and stressed. And I need to think about whether things need to be hurried at all - perhaps some things just don't need to get done, at least right now, and perhaps others just need to be done more calmly.

7. Be here, now. I need to beware activities or habits that result in numbing my awareness, or that are a way of avoiding being fully present - sometimes diversions can be too diverting. And whatever I'm doing, however mundane - sweeping the floor, making dinner, doing the laundry - and whomever I'm with, human or animal, I need to be fully here, now, focussed on this moment and not thinking about the past moment or anticipating the next one. Whenever I'm able to do this, I find that even ordinary activities can become a source of pleasure and delight, and time to get things done expands in the most delightful way. I need to develop the cast of mind that will allow me to do this more consistently. And I need to remember to notice the splendor around me - yes, there's ugliness and bad things happening as well - but there is an incredible amount of beauty and delight to be found in the world if only I pay attention, from moment to moment.

What snapped some of these things into focus for me was a happy accident. I'd been thinking about mindfulness, and being aware, and how important these things are in all aspects of my life, for quite a while. I was coming back from New York City after visiting my younger daughter at college this fall, and was standing around at the airport waiting to board a delayed plane. There were a bunch of people standing around together at the gate - there weren't enough seats - and I picked up a conversation with the woman standing in line next to me. She was returning home from a meditation retreat, so we talked about meditation - this was something I've also been thinking about. Just as we were about to board the plane, she said "if you don't mind, I don't know why, but I have something I want to give you", and she dug around in her bag and produced a copy of Pema Chodron's Awakening Loving-Kindness. Now mind you, I had never met her, learned only her first name and will probably never see her again, but this little book helped my thinking on being aware and mindful to really snap into focus.

Now here's a modified excerpt from a post I did later in January on A Year With Horses - once again there were a number of odd coincidences that caused things to snap into focus - but then I don't really believe in coincidence:

I occasionally will pick up and read a self-help book for fun, but rarely find that they have much to offer. They're usually variations on the same themes, are often impractically complex to follow or maintain, and are often badly written.

Recently, I've read a book - SHED Your Stuff, Change Your Life: A Four-Step Guide to Getting Unstuck, by Julie Morgenstern. You might think from the title that this is one of those "declutter" books, and in part it is, but there's some interesting stuff in there and the approach is a bit different and I think more thoughtful. The writing style of the book is a bit annoying - typical self-help style - but if you get past that the concepts are useful. The book is particularly directed at people who are at turning points in their lives - people who are becoming empty nesters (that would be me), getting divorced, changing jobs or thinking about changing jobs or careers, retiring, getting out of school, or who are just plain feeling stuck in their lives - feeling like things aren't right and that they need to change but just not finding their way to good solutions. The book focuses on three areas - physical environment and clutter, time commitments - to dos and obligations we feel we have to ourselves and others, and habits (including those mindless time-wasters) that may be interfering with our ability to get things done or move forward.

There are scads of self-help books that talk about organizing, decluttering, downsizing and changing bad habits. Where this book is different is that it says, first, that you can't free up space and time in your life by just throwing stuff away, reducing to-dos and commitments or trying to change habits - you have to understand what valid needs of yours your existing behaviors meet in order to change. If you declutter without knowing what that was about for you, pretty soon everything will be cluttered back up again. The objective is, instead of beating yourself up for your current situation or habits, to find more effective ways of addressing your needs that don't just put you back in the same situation. And some of those objects, time commitments and habits may in fact be "treasures" that should be retained in some form. That's good stuff, and the examples of real people and their stories are very interesting and in some cases personally helpful (to me).

But the second difference was the one that really interested me. The book says that, in order to effectively "unstick" yourself, you have to have in mind what your "theme" for you life going forward is to be (not to say that this can't be changed as you move forward) - that's why the book is particularly relevant to people at times of life change. A theme is not an activity or a particular job, it's an overarching concept. If you have a theme, then every choice you make, to retain or toss an object, to retain or eliminate/pass off/reduce a time commitment or change a habit, is taken because it frees up mental and physical space for you to develop your new (or existing) theme. Sometimes, particularly for people at points of life change, much of what we have - possessions, time commitments and habits - are related to old themes which were once valid but no longer are. If you have an idea of what your theme is, you then have a context in which to make decisions about what to keep and what to toss, and what to change about how your life is constructed.

I've been thinking about this a lot. There was an odd coincidence this week with the passing of my former colleague. I attended his visitation and memorial service this week, and met up again with most of my former work colleagues. These were people who were once a central part of my life - we worked very closely as a small team - but most of whom I haven't seen or been in touch with for almost 10 years since I retired. I've been mentally trying to let go of that phase of my life for a long time, but I was still somewhat stuck. Although I was glad to see them and appreciated the chance to catch up, seeing them made me realize how completely done I was with that phase of my life, and has finally allowed me to truly let it go.

Looking back, my life theme before my retirement almost 10 years ago was Achievement - I was the ultimate Type A high achiever - driven and focussed on success and recognition. When I retired, and up until now, my themes were Responsibility - to my family, particularly as my children completed their growing-up - and Security - getting my financial matters in shape to make sure I could survive as a retired person, and appreciating what I have in my home and immediate environment. I've been thinking about the theme for the next phase of my life as my children leave home for good, and it's pretty clear to me that I want the themes to be Adventure and Creativity/Self-Expression. Now that I'm beginning to understand that, I'm in a better position to look at my possessions, time commitments and habits in light of those themes.

I'd been aware that I'd been pretty stuck in my life, and that some things needed to change for me to move forward, but this book, for all its defects, and the encounter with my former colleagues, has really helped me to think more coherently about how to reinvent my life for its next stage, keeping what is valuable from the past and building what's needed for now.

You are most welcome to accompany me on my journey.